


Too Far

by TwelveRosesOfItaly



Series: The Bumps in the Road Make a Perfect Story [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Postpartum Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-15 22:41:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18678799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwelveRosesOfItaly/pseuds/TwelveRosesOfItaly
Summary: A misunderstanding and suffering from postpartum depression triggers one of the biggest bumps in the road for our favorite couple on their way to a happy ending.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for those who might struggle to read about depression. It's not heavily addressed in detail or anything, but I would rather be safe than sorry. Clarke's suffering from some postpartum depression. I did some brief research, but my background isn't medical so please forgive any mistakes I may have made.

You’re angry. All the time. You’re frustrated about the smallest things and you snap at everyone lately, especially Lexa. You know you’re being unreasonable and unpleasant but you can’t help it. The twins just turned four and Madi is three months old. You know what’s going on. Your mom’s a doctor for crying out loud. You may have pursued art as your profession, but medical school was a close, second option. Postpartum depression was something you heard about, but never really thought it would apply to you. Especially at the magnitude you’re experiencing it. With the twins, perhaps you suffered from it a bit, but those first few months with them were a blur. You remember feeling as if you and Lexa would never get a break from dirty diapers and late night feedings. But with Madi, you’re very nearly angry. It’s irrational. You know it. But you can’t stop. And you think you shouldn’t have to. Your body has gone through more than what those close to you can understand. Maybe Anya. You remember when she had Rylan, she seemed more withdrawn, but even that only lasted six weeks or so. You’re on month number three of this and you’re pretty sure everyone around you is scared of you at this point. 

Poor Lexa. You sigh internally as you think of your latest argument. Well, you can’t really call it an argument. Lexa was, as usual, obnoxiously understanding and perfect and even that annoys you. Your anniversary was coming up and she simply asked you if you preferred a weekend away or a weekend at home with no children. She just wanted to make you happy and you snapped at her. She took it in stride simply nodding her head along with your outlandish comments about being tired of deciding everything for the two of you. You finished with your snide comments and Lexa nodded her understanding saying she would take care of it. She kissed you on the cheek, told you she loved you, and took the twins to preschool so you had one, well, two less things on your plate. 

Now you’re home with just Madi and can’t help but regret your actions earlier. You quickly made a decision to make it up to Lexa tonight. Lately, your wife has been pulling long hours at her new high-end restaurant, ‘The Ark’. Trikru Restaurant Group, Lexa’s company, now has thirteen establishments located in various parts of downtown Polis. ‘The Ark’ had its grand opening three weeks ago and Lexa has been onsite as much as possible to make sure everything goes smoothly. You’re proud of her. Grounders bar was the first establishment Lexa bought and made hers and now she has a new restaurant that basically is dedicated to you. The name ‘The Ark’ comes from the gallery you own. You named your gallery ‘Arkadia’ and Lexa wanted you involved as much as you wanted to be in the decision making process for ‘The Ark’. You essentially had a hand in everything, but yet, you hadn’t gone to see it. Opening weekend you and Madi were both sick and achy so you couldn’t make it. Since then, you’ve had your excuses ready each time Lexa has asked you to join her. You know you’ve disappointed her, but at the time, that didn’t seem to matter to you. That ends to tonight. You decide to go and surprise Lexa and have a romantic dinner. Truth is, you miss your wife. 

You call Octavia and Lincoln over to babysit for you and they agree to pick up the twins from preschool on their way over. They’ve been together for several years but haven’t tied the knot for some reason nor do they have kids. They love to babysit though and nights like tonight you are glad they can be available last minute. You put some effort in to your appearance for the first time in what feels like forever, mainly because you can with Lincoln and Octavia over so early to help with the kids.

You slip on a little black dress that you weren’t entirely sure would fit, but you feel good when it slides on easily. You check the clock, 7:48 p.m. Perfect. You can be at the restaurant in under fifteen minutes for a romantic dinner at a decent hour. You kiss each kid on the forehead and tell them to behave. Aden nods seriously, sheesh, he is all Lexa, Alexi rolls her eyes, reminding you that she is all yours, and Madi sleepily blinks at you from Lincoln’s arms.

The drive to ‘The Ark’ is uneventful and you’re quickly pulling up to the valet. You smile at the kid whose name you can’t remember as you hand over your keys. You step in to the dimly lit restaurant and begin scanning it for your wife. Knowing Lexa she could be anywhere. It doesn’t take you long to locate her and when you do you freeze. 

Lexa sits at a two person table and she’s not alone. You quickly identify the other occupant as none other than Luna, one of Lexa’s oldest friends and head chef who creates most of the items on the menus for all Trikru Restaurant Group establishments. You have a dicey history with Luna and have always suspected her feelings towards Lexa border on inappropriate. You have always trusted your wife, though. Lexa hasn’t ignored your comments about Luna per se, but always explains away your suspicions. 

Tonight though, you’re a ball of rage at what you’re seeing. Lexa’s arm is reached out across the table stroking the arm of Luna who seems to be smiling brightly. You’re angry. No, you’re pissed. Is this what Lexa has been doing every night that she is away from you and the kids. She has left you to struggle with three children under the age of five for weeks while she essentially dates Luna. A girl who you know in your mind has always harbored feelings for your wife. 

Several nasty thoughts cross your mind in a flash before you finally decide to turn around and leave. You’ve never been one to shy away from conflict, but making a scene isn’t your thing. You’ll sort this out at home.

You can’t believe Lexa would do this to you. You desperately try to blink back the tears that gather on your drive home. You know you aren’t successful in that when O greets you in the entry way and immediately asks what’s wrong. You explain brokenly what you witnessed and O delicately makes you see some reason. You both know Lexa isn’t capable of cheating on you. Your wife may be a lot of things, but a cheater is not one of them. She still looks at you like you’re her own personal sun. 

Octavia has calmed you down significantly when Lincoln comes down from being upstairs reading the kids a goodnight story. He immediately picks up on the mood and asks what’s wrong. O explains quickly for you and he chuckles before making the offhand comment about how Luna tried to kiss Lexa at her bachelorette party and was shut down so he thought she had given up on Lexa finally. He follows that up with mentioning Lexa turned to Luna a lot after Costia ended things. 

Your blood runs cold. Luna did what? Lexa never said a word about that to you. Nor did she ever mention having a history with Luna. Did Lexa lean on Luna as a friend or a lover? You desperately want to question Lincoln, but the Woods cousin has gone silent at the glare Octavia is currently giving him. He smiles awkwardly and tells you not to worry and that Lexa would never do anything to hurt you. You nod and seem to be convincing because they leave shortly after O asks you only twice if you’re okay. As the door shuts behind them you simmer in your anger and hurt. 

You glance at the clock. 8:36 p.m. You wonder when Lexa will be home from her date with Luna. You keep one eye on the clock and the other on the door as you sit in the accent chair in the living room no-one ever seems to use. The longer you sit the more the anger takes place of the hurt. You don’t remember ever being this angry before, but you barely move as you wait for your wife to come home. 

9:09 p.m. is when you finally hear the lock being turned from Lexa’s key. 

9:12 p.m. is when all hell breaks loose.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Showdown between Clarke and Lexa and Clarke and Raven.

She slips in quietly you note, nearly like she is sneaking in. She hangs up her coat in the closet, places her keys in the bowl on the entry table, takes off her shoes and lines them up where they belong and moves towards the living room. Lexa always did like her routines and making sure each item has a proper place.

She stops when she sees you and gives you a soft smile. A smile that you used to think was just for you. Now though, you think you might throw up at the sight of it. How often has Luna been on the receiving end of that smile, you think.

Her smile disappears as she takes in your appearance. You still haven’t moved but your eyes burn from unshed tears of anger and your posture is rigid. You know your jaw is clenched as are your fists. 

“Clarke, babe, what’s wrong,” asks Lexa as she hesitantly takes a few steps closer. 

Her nearing proximity is what seems to unfreeze you. You’re standing in seconds and quickly move away from her facing the backyard. “How long have you been sleeping with Luna?”

Your question is met with silence. You ask the question again, voice hard as you turn to face your wife. Lexa’s brow is scrunched in confusion and you see her begin to tilt her head. You don’t want to play games though. You want a fight. You’re ready for it. You want it and you will have it. Later you’ll realize some of this is postpartum taking over, but you can’t blame it all on that. You’ve had insecurities regarding Luna for awhile now. 

“Don’t pretend you haven’t slept with her. Have you been with her since the first time after Costia or is it just since she kissed you a few weeks before our wedding day?”

A feeling of satisfaction comes over you as Lexa’s normally tan skin seems to pale instantly. 

“Clarke…”

“No! Fuck you, Lexa. Fuck you. I can’t believe you right now! I don’t even want to look at you,” you scream at her. Its her who is frozen now. 

“Clarke, you need to let me explain. Please, I have never cheated…” states Lexa before she is cut off and has to dodge a flying vase that used to sit on an end table. The vase shatters against the wall close to where Lexa was. You weren’t aiming for her, but you know it was still a bad call on your part. You’ll look back on this fight, one of the biggest you’ve ever had, and wonder what prompted you to throw something at your wife. It will become one of your biggest regrets, but unfortunately, not your biggest regret of this night. 

You pace at the other end of the living room in front of the fire place. Lexa follows your jerky movements with her eyes but doesn’t make a move to approach you. You’re muttering about cheaters and liars all while clenching and unclenching your fists. After some time, probably only a few minutes, Lexa cautiously approaches. She makes no move to come closer than eight or so feet before she tries to speak. 

“Clarke, I have never cheated on you with Luna. I need you to listen to me and believe me. I may have kept some things from you’ll but I have never done anything with Lun…” is all she gets out before you explode.

“Shut the fuck up, Lexa. I’m done! Go back to your whore! I won’t stay married to a cheater. You don’t belong here! You don’t belong with this family! You don’t belong in this house! I thought I married a good person. I was wrong! You don’t deserve all that I thought we built together. Get out! We are done” you scream. Your chest heaves and you feel as if you can barely breathe. You finally glance at Lexa. At the moment, you don’t much care about what you see. But when you calm down, the image of Lexa like this will haunt your nights for years to come. 

Lexa looks as if she has been visibly struck, several times. With each hateful word you threw at her, she became an orphaned kid again kicked out of house after house starting at the age of eight. Your powerful wife seems to crumble in front of you. Her eyes shine. Her sharp jaw is slackened in disbelief and overwhelming grief. Her proud posture is gone and replaced by someone who looks broken. You are still breathing heaving and glaring at her as she backs away from you. She turns and leaves. The click of the door behind her is deafening. 

You don’t know if she’ll come back. Fuck.

9:56 p.m. is the time when the door slams open and you have one pissed off Latina on you in a second. The other Woods sister trails behind her wife at a more reasonable pace. You’re exhausted and barely want to acknowledge Raven or Anya. You’re sitting at the breakfast counter staring at nothing and everything when they come barging in.

“What the fuck did you do,” Raven snaps. Your anger is still present so you verbally push back.  
“Not now, Raven. Go yell at Lexa. I’ve done nothing wrong,” you state harshly as you go to move away. Raven grabs your arm and whirls you back so you’re facing her. 

“And Lexa has? Yeah, right. That woman would never do anything to hurt you.”

“Right, like she wouldn’t keep a secret about someone who is a good friend of hers and is around all the time and who tried to kiss her mere weeks before our wedding, but sure. Lexa is a saint. She always will be in the eyes of Raven Reyes!” you snap. 

Raven, shocked by your anger, takes a step back. “Woods,” she says in her calmest tone yet. 

“What?” you ask in confusion. 

“It’s Raven Woods. I married a Woods, just like you. And when I made that vow to my wife in front of you and all our other friends, I knew what I was getting into. Did you?”

“I thought I did. I thought I was getting someone who loved me and would never betray my trust. Clearly, I was wrong. Hopefully, you married the better Woods.” 

“You’re a fool, Clarke. You know nothing. Luna got the drunkest I’ve ever seen anyone and came on to Lex. I’ve never seen anyone shut down so fast. Lexa didn’t speak to Luna for weeks after. Surely you remember when Lexa told you Luna couldn’t make the wedding. Did you ever question why? Lexa told Luna she wasn’t welcome and that their friendship was over.”

“I shouldn’t have to question why Luna didn’t come to the wedding, Raven. My then-fiancé should have told me what happened from the beginning!”

“Perhaps. And that is a conversation you definitely need to have to her. But tonight, tonight you were way out of line,” states Raven.

You scoff and mention how you didn’t take it far enough. The logical part of your brain is telling you to see reason and to back off. But your adrenaline and hormones are stuck in an anger you refuse to let go of. Later you’ll theorize that you were too stubborn to let go of your anger because you recognized you would then have to own up to your actions. 

“Lexa is a liar. And a cheater. I’m not surprised she ran crying to you when I threw her out of my home.”   
At that statement, two heads whirl on you. Raven in anger and Anya in disappointment. 

“You threw her out?” Raven asks, voice deceptively quiet. 

You nod and continue to glare at her. 

“You’re a fucking fool. What did you say to her? Did you tell her she didn’t belong? Did you throw the kids in her face? Did you say she didn’t deserve you?” Raven taunts.

Your eyes widen in understanding with where Raven is taking this. You and her have a better understanding than anyone about what Lexa and Anya went through as children. You’ve heard several stories about hateful foster parents who spit hateful things at them both before turning them to the streets. Some of those very same words you yelled at your wife before you told her to get out. The guilt must be written on your face. Shame fills you swiftly and without mercy. 

Raven has never looked so disgusted. “I trusted you to take care of her. I thought you would look after her. You’re the same as that other blonde bitch. You’re no better than Costia.” 

Your open hand is stopped by another’s hand gripping your wrist before you can even put two and two together. Had Anya not stopped you, you would have slapped Raven. 

To her credit, Raven doesn’t flinch back or try to retaliate. Instead she calmly steps back and leaves you with parting words, “You ruined the best thing in your life. Even if you find her after this, you don’t deserve her.”

Her words weigh on you heavily as a running loop of them play on repeat in your head. Your lost in your own thoughts when you register a person next to you. Fuck, you think. You have now been left alone with the scariest Woods of all. 

Anya’s wrath knows no bounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curious to see what people think of Raven and Clarke's interaction. Let me know. Angst won't let up next chapter either, so bear with me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya and Clarke talk. Clarke makes some realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fairly short chapter and written rather quickly so please forgive any mistakes.

"Why aren't you yelling at me like Raven?" you ask meekly as you turn to face Anya. You're mentally preparing yourself for her anger and the harsh words you're sure will come. You don't even want to defend yourself at this point. You deserve it. You keep picturing Lexa as she backed away from you. She looked destroyed. Her gorgeous eyes held a tremendous amount of pain. After Raven's verbal lashing combined with your fading anger, you're thinking more clearly now. Clearly enough to know that you triggered your wife. Lexa suffers from mild PTSD and can often think she's not deserving of even the most basic things in life. By telling her she doesn't belong, nearly a direct quote from a former foster family, she was triggered. You know it and you can't believe you could ever be the source of that kind of pain in Lexa. You've listened to her stories and you've dealt with her nightmares enough to know. You can picture the exact moment you broke her. 

"Clarke," Anya softly interrupts your spiraling thoughts, "I know what you're going through to some extent. We may have had different symptoms and mine may not have lasted this long, but I remember when I had Rylan how I distanced myself from everyone. Raven could barely get through to me and I was tired all the time. Postpartum depression is hard and can be scary. I got help. You can choose to get help too."

You're crying before Anya finishes her statement. A tentative hand on your shoulder lends you some comfort and for Anya, that's more affection that you were expecting. 

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm angry all the time. Lexa tries, but I just push her away. And then tonight, I find out from Lincoln that Lexa slept with Luna after Costia and I just lost it," you sob. Anya doesn't say anything right away.

"Clarke, I think you may have misunderstood my cousin," Anya starts slowly. "Lexa has never slept with Luna. After Costia, she just needed a friend who was more supportive. It's one of the few times in her life Lexa didn't go to my wife for support. But Costia and Raven hated each other and it drove a wedge between Rae and Lex, albeit, a small one. Lexa was broken and needed someone to listen. Luna provided that for her," Anya explains calmly as she begins to rub circles comfortingly on your back. 

Shit. You really messed up. You thought for sure Lexa had slept with Luna and kept that from you for years. You thought Lexa had blatantly lied to you and kept you in the dark when you raised your concerns about Luna's true feelings for her. "Anya, I think I need help."

She nods understandingly. "To be fair, Lexa needs help too. Our upbringing was rough and when we were separated, she got the worst of the system. It failed us and we both still suffer from it. I started seeing a therapist shortly after Rylan's birth. It's helped me to open up about the past and it has made my relationships stronger. Maybe it's what both you and my sister need."

You've calmed down significantly and you feel more like yourself for the first time tonight. You can't change what has happened, but you will fix this. You will get help and pray that Lexa is also open to getting help too. You need to find your wife. No, first you need someone to watch the kids. Then you need to find your wife. 

"I need to go after her, Anya. Can you stay with the kids?" you ask. "Wait. Where's Rylan?"

"She's asleep in the car," Anya chuckles. 

"Wrong, she's right here," says a voice from the door. Raven seems to be struggling to hold the rapidly growing six year old who is still very much asleep. Anya quickly moves to take their daughter. 

"Clarke, can I put Ry in the twins' room?" Anya asks. You nod your agreement, but immediately regret it leaves you alone with Raven. For what feels like the millionth time tonight you mentally prepare yourself as you turn to face Raven.

Her gaze is much softer towards you now and that almost weirds you out more than her anger from earlier. 

"I'm still upset with you. I still think you royally messed up but, I wasn't fair to you. I don't know what you're going through from my own experiences, but I understand from my experiences with my wife. I'm sorry. I haven't been there for you through it all. You've distanced yourself and I, we, let you. I'm sorry," Raven finishes. Her sincerity shocks you. You thought several things would happen when Anya took your niece upstairs, an apology from Raven was not one of them. Quite frankly, you don't know what to say. You feel seen though for the first time in a long time. It feels good, but you're still swimming in thoughts of regret and shame for how you spoke to Lexa. Fuck. Did you really throw something in her direction? What the hell were you thinking?

"Clarke, stop wallowing. You messed up. Big time. You threw her out, Griffin. But now, you need to get her back. She needs you."

"Woods," you state. "It's Clarke Woods." 

Raven smirks at your statement. "Damn right it is. You married a Woods. You are a Woods. Now go find your wife and bring her home where she belongs."

Raven's right. You need to regroup mentally and refocus. First things first, you can't let yourself drown in feelings of guilt. As you stand straighter and right your posture, you can feel the shame and guilt fade away even as the panic starts to rise. Finding Lexa is imperative and it needs to be done as soon as possible. Raven and Anya showed up which means Lexa called them, but didn't go to them. She could be anywhere.

"I have to go'" you state. Raven nods her agreement. You race upstairs to change and check on the kids. Anya assures you that everything is handled and race back downstairs, grab the first coat you get your hands on which happens to be Lexa’s, grab your keys, and head to the garage for your car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be rough on our favorite couple, but they will sort it out eventually. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think! Always interested to hear your thoughts and predictions.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finds Lexa and seeks help from Anya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst is here. Our favorite couple will sort it out eventually.

11:13 pm is the time your car’s clock displays when you turn it on. You register that Lexa’s car is still there meaning she left on foot. Fuck. That causes you even more worry. It’s late and its cold and you can’t remember if she grabbed a jacket on her way out. Shit. You want to find her and bring her home. She belongs at home with you and the kids.

You start driving slowly through the neighborhood to the little park a couple of blocks over. You know sometimes Lexa likes to run down here when the weather is nice. You circle the park and don’t see her so you head to the little 24 hour cafe that makes the best lemon bars. You know this because you craved them throughout your first pregnancy. Lexa would often make stops in the middle of the night there to keep you happy. You park the car and venture inside. A quick scan of the little cafe tells you she’s not there so you quickly make your way back to your car.

Your next stop is Woods Fitness Center, the high-end gym that Anya and Lincoln own and which Lexa is a silent partner in. Lexa has her own access code and often comes there to spar with her sister or cousin when she can. You notice the lights are off, but you stop anyway and use your wife’s code to let you in. After a thorough search of the two floors, you quickly exit the gym and head for your car. 

11:39 p.m.

You thought you would have found her by now. You consider calling Anya for help when you get one last idea. The lake, well pond really, I mean you do live in the city, is about a twenty-five minute walk from your house. There’s a small pier with a bench at the end. Its peaceful there. Lexa brought you there for your second date. Everything that could have gone wrong on that date did, you remember with a smile. You race there with renewed hope that you will finally find your wife. 

It’s dark where you park your car, but there are some lamps along the walking path that surrounds the pond which gives you a clear view of the pier. Sure enough, a figure sits there slumped down, but you know its her. Finally. 

It’s 11:52 when you turn off your car. You get out slowly. All your sense of urgency is lost now that you know where she is. You’re scared to approach her. Lexa rarely gets mad at you. Even when she has plenty of reason to get mad at you, she usually doesn’t. She claims she can’t stay mad at you anyway.

But this is different. You kicked her out of her home and told her she didn’t belong. Its nearly unforgivable given her history and past. History that you knew about and used against her. You try to keep the shame and guilt away. You’re not totally successful. 

She must hear you approach. The small, wooden pier creaks and groans as you approach the bench. From a few feet away you spot a handle of vodka. You can’t tell how much of it is gone. Your heart aches for her. Your strong, proud wife is not who you see when you come around the bench and take a seat. Your eyes are glued to the side of her face taking in her appearance. 

She looks dazed. She makes no move to acknowledge you. You note she isn’t wearing a jacket. Instead she’s just in her dress slacks, a crisp, white button down, and a dark green tie that matches her eyes hangs loosely around her neck. You look down at her bare feet and notice she has kicked off her heels. One lays precariously close to the edge of the peer, but at this moment, you couldn’t care less. 

She must be cold. Even you’re cold and you have a soft crewneck sweater on and Lexa’s thick, black bomber jacket. You go to offer it to her, but you know that wouldn’t be well received. Lexa always puts your comfort above hers. You feel the guilt creep up again. 

“Lexa,” you call softly, after you clear your throat. Your voice sounds thick and scratchy. Probably from the yelling and crying, you think. She doesn’t move. Her breathing is steady, but its like she’s in a trance. She’s just dazed. You wonder if she’s drunk. A glance at the handle of vodka shows you she’s barely touched it. You’re grateful for that. Lexa was never one to handle her issues with alcohol. She’s much too disciplined for that. You’re opposites in that way. 

You call her name again and this time slowly reach a hand out. You finger tips graze cold skin from where her shirt sleeves have been rolled up. At your touch, she seems to register your presence for the first time. She turns to you in a daze. 

In the dim light all you can make up is the pain swirling in her gorgeous eyes. You almost don’t want to maintain eye contact with her because of the amount of pain you can see. You nearly flinch back. Her eyes are red and shiny and all you can see is hurt and maybe a touch of fear. She moves away from your touch but turns towards you.

“Will you let me see them?” Lexa asks you. Her eyes have become desperate and her lip trembles, although you’re not sure if its from the cold or the tears she’s holding back.

“Will I let you see who, Lexa?”

“Aden, Alexi, and Madi, Clarke. I know I don’t belong and I don’t deserve them, but will you let me see them? Please?” Fuck. She thinks you still want her gone. You need to fix this. Your desperation rises and replaces any guilt you were feeling as you lean closer and grab her hand.

“Lexa,” you start. “Please listen to me. You can see the kids whenever you want, okay? I’m sorry about earlier. I want you to come home. We can talk about this there. You belong at home with me and the kids, okay?”

You’ve barely finished before she starts adamantly shaking her head. The action causes tears to slip down her cheeks. You go to wipe them away but she quickly flinches back from you. You’re struggling to remember your task of fixing Lexa. You’re still sensitive and all you want to do is curl up and deal with your own hurt. You want to wallow in your actions and cry for what you’ve reduced your wife to. 

You drop your hands and Lexa goes back to staring out at the water. The tears go back to collecting in her eyes and no more fall now that she’s not shaking her head in disagreement. You sit with her for a few more minutes before she starts mumbling to herself. Or at least, you assume its to herself because she’s gone back to pretending you’re not even there. 

You lean closer to hear what she’s saying and you feel like your heart is breaking with what you hear. Lexa’s just repeating that she doesn’t deserve a family, a home, or love. She’s also saying she doesn’t belong with you and the family. Over and over again she repeats those two statements. You recognize the words from what not only her foster families told her, but also Costia. The last words Costia said to her was she didn’t belong with anyone because she didn’t deserve to find love. God, what a bitch. But then again, you don’t feel much better than her right now. Lexa is trapped in a tornado of pain and its your fault. You did this. 

You get and idea and make a call. Lexa repeats her self-deprecating mantra over and over again you guide her to the car. You leave her heels and the vodka behind and just thank the heavens she’s allowing your touch as you keep her upright. She continues to mumble in her dazed state, but she doesn’t fight your hold on her. You get her to the car and start the drive to a familiar place.

It’s 12:22 in the morning when you pull into the parking lot of the gym. Anya beats you there and has turned on all the lights. You drag Lexa through the door and Anya meets you near the lockers. Lexa has gone quiet but still dazed. Anya takes in the appearance of you both and motions with her head for you to chat with her off to the side. You let go of Lexa and breathe a little easier when she decides to just stand there, not really taking in her surroundings. You’re starting to panic. 

“What’s going on?” Anya asks. You explain everything that happened as quickly as possible. Anya looks mildly alarmed when you mention the vodka, but you assure her Lexa had a pull, maybe two, at most. You inform Anya what Lexa kept repeating and nearly lose it when you do. You can’t believe you triggered this. It will be a long time before you fully forgive yourself for this night. 

Anya squeezes your shoulder and tells you to head upstairs to her office.

“Clarke, you can watch from the balcony, but whatever is said tonight, please don’t listen. Its the only way I know to bring her out of it.” 

You nod your head and with one last glance at Lexa, head towards the stairs. You slip into Anya’s office and open the sliding door to her balcony. From there you can see pretty much the entire gym. 

Anya and Lexa are nowhere to be seen, but you figure Anya is sorting out some clothes for Lexa. She must not have any shorts here though, because the next time you see your wife, she’s in her slacks and a sports bra. Anya is dressed in her usual loose UFC shorts that are probably men’s and a similar sports bra. Both of their hands are wrapped and it dawns on you that they’re going to fight. You’ve seen the spar before, of course, and its usually a sight to behold. Typically, you get hot and bothered and make bets against Raven. But now, you’re just worried about your wife. 

Lexa still looks like she’s moving on auto-pilot as she follows Anya into the first ring. They don’t stretch. Anya doesn’t even say anything. She just starts swinging. Lexa’s instincts save her from a right hook to the face, but she’s still just barely defending herself. Anya continues her assault, but you can tell she’s just warming them both up. For the first ten minutes, nothing is said. Anya attacks and Lexa defends. They move like a well choreographed dance. You could call it beautiful if your eyes weren’t glued to Lexa’s face. Her eyes remain lifeless and no sign of emotion is shown. 

Eventually, Anya starts taunting Lexa. At first its just about her fighting ability and being out of practice. She even has the audacity to comment on Lexa’s weight. At any other time, you would have laughed. Even now, you nearly snort. Lexa’s still just as cut as when you met her and has never looked better in your opinion. Still, Lexa remains passive, moving almost robotically to defend herself.

Anya’s taunts become harsher. She brings up their childhood. She brings up Lexa’s worse foster parent, Titus. She calls Lexa pathetic. She mentions Costia and how right it was for her to leave Lexa. Each hurtful statement is accompanied with a punch. Lexa defends, but you can see some life coming back to her. Her jaw clenches and her eyes flash, but she still makes no move to attack her sister. 

12:46 a.m. is when Lexa becomes Lexa again. You know this because you glance at the clock on the gym wall opposite the offices when you hear something that makes you whip your attention back to the fight. 

“Clarke was right to kick you out of the house. You never belonged there. What were you thinking playing family? You never deserv-” 

Anya is cut off by a hook to her jaw from Lexa. Serves her right you find yourself thinking. How on earth could she throw your mistakes in Lexa’s face. Seriously, what was she thinking. But then you realize Lexa has life to her again. Gone is the broken person who left your house hours ago. 

“Enough.” Lexa’s voice is controlled but filled with fury. She begins her attack. You watch in awe as she barely lets up on her older sister. Its all Anya can do to avoid a beating. Anya continues to taunt her though with horrible comments about belonging and being unworthy. You’re not sure why until Lexa starts talking. 

“I’m a good wife.” Punch. “I’m a loving mother.” Kick. “I deserve my life. I deserve Clarke. I deserve the house. I deserve the kids. I did nothing wrong!” Lexa roars as she strikes again and again. The anger leaves her voice and by the end of her attack she is sobbing. With one last punch, Lexa falls to her knees. Anya is there to catch her and you watch with tears flowing down your cheeks as Lexa finds comfort in Anya. The two sisters stay on their knees embracing for a few minutes. Finally, they break apart. You can’t hear what Anya is saying, but soon Lexa’s head snaps up to you. 

You wipe the tears from your face and make your way to the stairs. Lexa meets you at the bottom. You’re unsure of where to begin and it looks as though Lexa is content to wait for you to start. You take in her features as you think of what to say. Her face is flushed and sweaty. Her abs contract with heavy breaths since she hasn’t cooled off yet. You want to wrap your arms around her, but your not sure that action would be welcome. 

“I’m so sorry, Lexa,” you state. You try to keep your tears at bay and get through this conversation without sobbing to your wife. You know she would want to comfort you and right now you don’t deserve that from her. You hurt her and she needs the opportunity to be hurt without you leaning on her for support. 

“Please come home. I want you at home. I need you at home. I’m sorry for earlier. I was wrong. I was so very wrong. Please, please come home,” you nearly sob, but you stay strong. Your voice only cracked once at the end and you’re proud of yourself for that. 

Lexa continues to stare at you barely giving anything away. You’re not sure what she is thinking so you continue to speak.

“I’m messed up. I know I am. I screwed everything up, but I love you and I want you to come back home. Please. I’m going to seek help and talk to someone. I’ve already talked to Anya. I know I need help. But I also know I need you with me. I can’t do this without you.”

“You’re not messed up, Clarke.” 

You want to cry in relief when you hear her say your name. You want to collapse in her arms and never let her go. But not yet. You haven’t earned that yet.

“Mistakes were made, but I want it to be clear that you’re not messed up. I have fault in what happened tonight as well. If therapy is something you are considering, please don’t do it for me. I also think therapy is in order for me. I’ve never really opened up about my past completely. I don’t want to lose myself like I did tonight again.”

You nod in understanding and allow yourself to feel some hope that things will be okay for the first time in hours. You nearly smile at the thought of Lexa not wanting you to take the blame. You make a mental note to correct her. You are most definitely the one at fault here and you won’t have her believing anything else.

“Okay. Good. If that’s what you want, Lex. We can both seek help. We can go home and get some sleep and look for good therapists in the morning,” you babble almost excitedly because Lexa is back with you and things can only improve from here. You quickly glance up at Lexa and you freeze at what you see. She looks sad again. She’s still herself, but you can tell what she’s says next is going to hurt. It’s going to hurt like hell.

“I’m not going home with you, Clarke. I don’t think I should be with you right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would love feedback on what's working and what's not. 
> 
> This series will feature angsty stories out of order. Some will be lighter than others. I realize this was pretty heavy angst right off the bat, but I'm a sucker for it. 
> 
> As usual, I apologize for any mistakes. I like to post and then edit later which may be annoying, but it's how I'm making it work.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happy conclusion and a small time jump.

“I’m not going home with you, Clarke. I don’t think I should be with you right now.” 

You can’t breathe. Shit. How did this happen? How could you let it get to the point that your wife doesn’t think she should be with you? You vaguely register that Lexa is still talking, but it sounds as if you’re underwater. You think you should sit down, so you do. You take a seat on the stairs and try to control your breathing. You’re not listening to Lexa and you just continue to stare at the ground. You don’t even comprehend that you’re having a panic attack at first.

Warm, familiar hands grip each side of your face. You look up, but Lexa’s face above you is blurry from your tears. She takes one of your hands and places it over her heart. She knows the easiest way to bring you out of a panic attack is by getting you to mirror her breathing. She counts you through some breaths and you latch on to the sound of her voice like a lifeline. 

You’re not sure how long you stay like that, with Lexa kneeling in front of you and keeping you breathing steadily. Eventually, you do come out of the haze of panic that always makes you feel trapped. You glance at Lexa whose face is so close to yours. All you see is love and compassion. You want to hold her. You want to be held by her. You just want the comfort of her embrace, but that’s not what she wants. She doesn’t want to come home. She doesn’t want to be with you. She’s going to divorce you. Fuck. 

Lexa must notice your breathing picking up as your thoughts run wild. She squeezes your hand as she begins to talk.   
“Clarke, just listen, please. I need help and I need to process. I can’t be around the kids right now. What if they had seen me like that? The twins are old enough now to pick up on things. I don’t want them to see me like that. I don’t even remember walking to the pond. I could have hurt myself. I could have hurt you. I can’t risk that with them. I would never forgive myself.”

Okay. Okay, you think. Lexa’s making sense and so far she hasn’t mentioned a divorce. You can do this. Still, it takes you a moment to find your voice. 

“How long? How long do you need to process? I need you back at home with me,” you nearly plead. 

“It’s late. I’m going to stay with Anya. But I’ll be home in the morning. Its Saturday after all, so unless you learned how to make crepes, I’ll need to be home.” 

She’s smiling. Sort of. Its small, but it’s there. Her joke may fall a bit flat, but you appreciate the attempt. You try to smile in return, but you know you’re not successful. 

“I’ll see you in the morning,” she murmurs quietly before she turns away from you. She’s walking away. Again. You almost can’t believe it.

“Lexa!”

You sound desperate. You know you do, but you can’t help it. She was almost to the door where Anya waits and you couldn’t let her walk away again. Now that she’s walking back to where you stand, you need to come up with something to say beyond incoherent begging.

“I’m sorry. For earlier. I understand that you don’t want to come home with me right now, but the twins will be up in a handful of hours. If you don’t think its a good idea to come home right now, I will respect that, but please, consider coming home. I want you home. I’ll sleep in the guest bedroom. Just please, come home.” 

At this point, you don’t even care that you sound pathetic and are basically begging. Its selfish of you, but you can’t help yourself. You need Lexa like you need air. 

She doesn’t seem opposed to the idea, just hesitant. She bites her lip as she contemplates your offer. 

“I’m going to have nightmares. I don’t want you to hear them.” She says it so softly you almost miss it. 

When you realize what she said, you want to break all over again. She looks timid and scared. She’s embarrassed. You can tell. Her normally perfect, proud posture, is slumped as she avoids eye contact with you. She looks so frightened and the need to hold her overwhelms you so you pull her to you hard. 

She trembles against you, but allows your embrace. You hold her tight and feel each stuttered breath as she tries to control her emotions. Lexa hates losing control. Tonight has to have been so hard for her, you think.

“I always have nightmares after an episode. I don’t want you to feel obligated to take care of me. You’re upset with me and I understand. I kept things from you. You don’t need to pity me tonight because I have issues.” 

You pull away from her then. You want to look in her eyes so there can be no confusion when you tell her she’s wrong. 

“Lexa, I don’t pity you. And we need to talk, yes, but I think there was some misunderstanding about tonight on my part. If that’s the only reason you don’t want to come home tonight, I think you should.”

She doesn’t say anything, but she nods her head. You take a deep breath and grab her hand. Its comforting to you as you lead her to the door. Lexa quickly explains the change of plans to Anya. Your sister-in-law looks relieved and comfortable with the switch up so you take that as a good sign. A part of you was nervous you were acting selfishly, but you truly think Lexa needs to be home with you and the kids. Anya hands Lexa a sweatshirt and lets you out first so she can lock up. 

The drive home is silent. Lexa declines the offer to drive mentioning the vodka. She always drives, regardless of whose car it is, but she won’t drive if she thinks she’s been compromised by alcohol. You want to argue about how much she’s had, but now is not the time. You accept her decision and slip into the driver’s seat. The drive home is short, but that doesn’t stop Lexa from nearly nodding off. Anya follows you so she can retrieve Raven and Rylan. 

The first thing you notice when you get home is the shattered vase has been picked up. Your house looks as though it didn’t witness something horrible between you and your wife. You’re grateful to Raven for taking care of that. 

Raven greets you, well Lexa, in the foyer by jumping on her. Many might be concerned by how close they are, but you and Anya know them better than that. Lexa and Raven survived the same group homes and foster families. Anya was separated from Lexa early on but Raven was always there. They both survived Titus together. They share an unbreakable bond. 

Raven furiously whispers at Lexa and you know she’s letting your wife know she was scared and worried about her. Lexa nods, but her eyes stay focused on you. Rae knows this and gives up with one last stern word and a kiss on Lexa’s cheek. 

Anya, who had disappeared, comes back caring a very much asleep Rylan. A joke is made about how she snores like Raven who vehemently denies it, but you’re not really paying attention. You’ve checked out. Likewise, Lexa too seems done with small talk and your three guests quickly make their exit. Lexa locks the door behind them and then its just you and your wife staring at each other in the foyer. 

Its awkward, but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Lexa mentions wanting to see the kids and you tell her you’ll run her a bath. She quietly thanks you and you both separate to complete your different tasks. 

You run the water until its hot enough for Lexa. She likes it practically scalding and its something you’ve never understood. You recall the first time you surprised her by joining her in the shower you felt like you burnt half your skin off. Lexa had laughed while shielding you from the water and promised to kiss it better. That was a good shower. You shake your head and rid yourself of those thoughts. 

You wander down the hall and find Lexa rocking Madi. She mentions she woke up and you don’t fight her on it. Madi rarely wakes up through the night and for that reason alone, she’s your favorite. Aden and Alexi used to drive you and Lexa crazy with how often they would wake up. But you know Lexa probably just wanted to feel close to her daughter. You can’t fault her for that. 

You mention her bath will be coming down from a boil soon and she smiles a little at that. She gently places Madi back in her crib and makes her way to the master bathroom. While she’s doing that you grab a clean towel and clothes for her to wear to bed. When you’re done, you have nothing left to do but wait. You sit on the bed and try not to dwell on the events of tonight. 

2:11 a.m. is what time is shown by Lexa’s obnoxiously loud alarm clock. Soon you hear the water begin to drain and know Lexa is likely looking for a towel. You come in cautiously, but keep your eyes away. Lexa snorts at your attempt to preserve her modesty. 

“You can look. Its nothing you haven’t seen before, Clarke.” 

You playfully glare as you hand over what you brought. Lexa flicks you with the towel as you leave and you almost feel like you’re back to normal. That is until you remember you were planning to sleep in the guest room. You make your way around the bed to grab your pillow. Lexa steps out of the bathroom as you get to the door and quietly asks you to stay. 

You’re not to deny Lexa anything at this moment so you ask if she’s sure and at her affirmative, you’re crawling on to your side. You want to cry in relief when you feel Lexa wrap her arm around you tentatively. You grab her arm to let her know its okay and whisper you love her. You fall asleep as she places a soft kiss to your shoulder and burrows closer. You’re going to be okay.

______________________________________________________

6 months later…

“Mommy! Wake up!” 

It’s the first thing you hear most mornings and you can’t complain. You hear two sets of tiny feet pad as fast as they can on the hardwood towards your room.

“Save us, Mommy!” 

You smile at that but keep your eyes closed and pretend to be asleep. Soon you have two little bodies jumping on you and sliding under the covers and one adult body on top of all three of you. 

“Good morning, wife. Have you happened to see two little monsters?”

Two, tiny giggles ring out from under the blankets and you struggle to contain your own laughter.

“Good morning,” you respond with a quick peck to Lexa’s lips. “I haven’t seen any monsters.”

“Hmmm. I want to believe you, but our bed seems lumpier than normal. Maybe I should help smooth it out for you.” And with that statement, Lexa begins gently tickling the twins through the comforter who squirm and squeal.   
You love mornings like this. Its been six months since the biggest fight of your relationship. After a lot of tears, regrets, long talks, loving embraces, and nightmares on Lexa’s part, you finally feel as if you’re getting back to normal. Granted, its a new normal. 

You and Lexa have never felt stronger. Between individual therapy sessions and couple therapy sessions, you’re in a good place. You, specifically, have found a healthy avenue to deal with your postpartum depression and you know from Lexa that she is addressing her past in a positive way for the first time in her life.

You’re brought back to the present as the twins emerge from under the blankets and jump on Lexa who falls perpendicular across the bottom of the bed. A bark from the foot of the bed alerts you to the newest addition to your family wanting up on the bed, something he is not allowed to do. 

Jax was an all-black German shepherd who was ADA certified and has the ability to help Lexa with her PTSD. Lexa’s therapist suggested it and with Lexa being triggered so infrequently, it was easy to just thing of Jax as part of the family. 

Jax lets out another pitiful bark and three pairs of eyes turn pleadingly to you. Its comical really. You sigh playfully and call Jax up on the bed. Laughter and tickling continues and you smile. Yeah, life is good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know you're thoughts, likes, and dislikes. 
> 
> The next part of this story is already partly written and a bit fluffier, but I'm a sucker for angst so there will be that too, just a different type.

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter is filled with plenty more angst because I love it, but a happy ending will occur eventually in this part of the series. Never fear. Let me know your thoughts. I'm curious to see what people think.


End file.
